Grace - Limitless (Security) or Limited (Uncertainty)

Why are we, as the church, afraid to teach the deep principals of grace and forgiveness to our youth?

I’m not talking about the vague “we’re all sinners and need grace and the forgiveness of Christ” lessons that are everywhere. I’m not talking about the thirty minute sermons on the fallen state of mankind and how much we need grace. What I am talking about is the real thing in action – the act of grace and what it means for us as Christians, how it works and what it does in us when we accept it. The deep, soul-level change that occurs the second someone accepts the healing power of God. The fundamental, spiritual revival that takes a dead, disgusting, broken heart and changes it, breathes life into it, and makes it into something new, and then what that means for us as born again believers.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, “But we do talk about that!” and we do, to an extent. But when it comes down to it, there seems to be some sort of disconnect between that powerful work and the changes it wrought in us, and the knowledge of it, of which the young Christians and the youth in our churches are unaware. Allow me to explain.

If you were to ask any Christian teenager what they are, in a biblical perspective, what would the majority of their answers be? “A sinner saved by grace”, generally. And while, on the surface, that’s a good answer, once you dig deeper, it becomes a little disconcerting. For example, most of them are more focused on the sinner part than the grace part. Ask a Christian youth if they’re holy and pure, and their answer will be, “No. I’m disgusting and sinful and stained. I’m a sinner.” They’ll use words like “flawed" and “dirty” and “broken”. (Words I have personally heard dozens and dozens of saved, born again Christian youth use to describe themselves.)

While all those words were once true of us all, they do not use these words in a past sense. There is no was or used to be in their sentences. And though we all still possess a sin nature, the disconcerting thing to me is that these saved, born again children of God still view themselves the same way we view those who have never been saved or known the presence of God in their lives. In fact, they seem unaware of the change having the Holy Ghost inside of them has made in them. In their minds, they’re still just sinners. They look at themselves as broken, lost, disgusting humans who have received the gift of Grace, yet are unaware of what that grace has done for them.

It's as if they see grace as a gift they can hold in their hands, or wear as a badge, but that hasn't actually changed them out of a sinner into something else. And likewise, because they are unaware of the soul-level change the gift of Christ has begun in them, they're left uncertain of their salvation and their own security in it.

How? For starters, this limited view of grace and its effects on them as a person undermines the very foundation of their view of forgiveness. Since they view grace as only a vague covering that “conceals” the dirty sinner underneath, instead of a soul-changing action, they do not view past sins or current mistakes as gone. Instead, they continue to believe themselves tainted by them, like a pile of sins that continues to grow at their feet and scars marked in their skin. They're ashamed and dirty feeling, long after salvation is theirs, to a point where they feel the need to seek salvation over and over, like it's a temporary shower to wash off their guilt until the next mistake.

Moreover, the times the change caused by salvation is spoken of to youth, it's phrased as much to inspire more doubt. “You should be changed by your salvation,” is a phrase I have heard dozens of times at Bible camps, youth gatherings, and Sunday school teachings. The subtle - or rather, not so subtle - use of “should” is a weapon easily creating doubt in the minds of Christian youth, as it raises questions such as: “Have I changed enough? Am I different enough? Have I become good enough, or am I still unsaved and destined for hellfire??”

Instead of the change being something God works in us over time and through His Spirit, it's made out to be a measuring stick that determines whether or not we’ve done something enough to feel secure in our salvation. “If you're saved, you won't lie.” “If you're saved, you won't be disrespectful.” “If you're really saved, you would be helpful without complaining, always be kind to others, etc. etc.” And since we can never do enough - or not do enough - for any such reassurance, it plants seeds of doubt and insecurity. The change brought to our lives by salvation is suddenly no longer a reassurance, but a fifty foot high measuring stick which no one can hope to reach.

So what is the right way to view these things? And what is the cause of all this confusion around the subject of grace and forgiveness and the resulting effect/change it has on those who receive it?

The foundation of it all is salvation, grace, and forgiveness, and what all that really means for those who have accepted Christ into their lives. It's not a limited covering concealing the filth underneath. Those who are given it aren't simply covered over with a new coat of paint so they “look” presentable. This viewpoint of limited grace is not only biblically inaccurate, it is impossible. If Christ’s blood could only buy us all a “fresh coat of paint” variety of grace - a thin shield for our underlying sins - then it wouldn't have been enough to save any of us. We cannot walk into God’s holy, righteous presence simply sporting a new paint job. To enter into the presence of God, we must be completely, entirely blameless - washed clean to the very core, with every ounce of filth and dirt cast aside so far that it no longer is even in existence. If this soul-deep cleansing, mind-changing, sin-erasing change did not occur in us - if, in short, the titles of “dirty”, “broken”, “disgusting”, “sinner”, etc., weren't fully eradicated from our very souls and beings - then we would still be damned (in the most biblical form of the word). Nothing short of complete and total change in title, soul, body, and mind would be enough to allow us the communion with God that comes instantly upon our salvation, in the form of the Holy Spirit who then lives inside us.

I think, then, that the next confusion - which helps result in the confusion of what Grace really is, the two playing off of each other - is in how we can be fully blameless and cleansed while still possessing a sin nature. This becomes a confusion because we, as the human race, are very linear. We view our salvation as an act in our past, wherein we gave past sins to God. But that is not how salvation works - when we are saved, we are not only washed clean of every past act, but also every single future sin, as well. In that moment of accepting salvation, God forgives every single discretion we have done and will do for the entirety of our lives - the very first and the very last and every last one in-between. They're already eradicated before we ever even commit them, because time has no effect on the status of our rebirth, salvation, and cleanliness. It's all erased at once, so no matter what mistakes we then commit in the future, it has no effect on our standing with Christ, because those things have already been forgiven.

Grace is not subject to time and it is not limited. Future acts are not capable of destroying that work in us, thus we are forever sealed and secure in His bride. There is nothing we can do to change that, nothing we can do to lose it. Once saved, we are no longer sinners, but Children of God, part of His Bride, justified, purified, and holy in His sight. To continue to call ourselves sinners, filthy, gross, and stained is an insult to the complete and final work of salvation done in us. God revoked those titles and labels as soon as we accepted the gift of salvation, threw them to the ends of the Earth, and made them no more in His sight. Jesus's words of “It is finished” did not mean “until the next time you sin”. And His holy sacrifice wasn't just “enough to cover our sins”, but enough to wash them away entirely. Once saved, we forever hold the titles His sacrifice bought for us, and none others.

Yet… These truths are often taught with stipulations and warnings tacked on the end, as if this truth is subject to “if”s and “as long as”s. Rarely do you hear a sermon preaching the utterly freeing knowledge that we are bought, cleansed, and redeemed, the end. That this salvation is one that can never be lost or tainted. That the new life Grace has given us and the change salvation wrought in us is complete and final, free and clear, no matter the mistakes we are bound to make. That we are, forever, holy in His sight, rather than lost sinners, soiled by our sins.

Why? Why is this incredible and freeing knowledge of the depth of grace and forgiveness so often suppressed and limited by stipulations and warnings and cautions, to the point that it loses its potency and ability to reassure? Why is grace and forgiveness turned into something so limited in the viewpoints of the Christian youth, so that doubt and confusion run rampant?

I’ve viewed these things in more Christians than not. It's unusual when I talk to young Christians that I find them confident in their faith and what it has done for them. It's even more rare that when asked about their state as a human, they don't answer with the same words we use for those without the presence of God in their lives. And, as mentioned in my previous post, even rarer still for these kids to understand what grace, forgiveness, and righteousness even means in relation to themselves and be able to let go of their guilt and pain.

So why is this the case?

I think it is best summed up by the words I have heard often from older Christians: “People use unlimited grace as an excuse to do whatever they please and keep sinning.”

While this is true, it's an invalid reason to limit our youths’ view of grace. And before anyone gets angry about that and spews all the statistics of how many “Christian” people are living in sin and flaunting that as their reason it's “okay”, allow me to explain why it's invalid.

The reason is simple: If they're blatantly living in sin, ungrieved by their actions and unrepentant for their lifestyle, then they aren't Christians. They aren't being swayed by the Holy Ghost, they aren't feeling the sting of a conscience made new and sharpened by God, so they aren't saved. Regardless of their claims and despite their “reasoning”, they have no fruit of faith, so they aren't Children of God. It's that simple.

So if that is the case, if these people aren't part of the bride of Christ, but imposters blatantly living a sin-filled life without a thought of remorse, then the argument is invalid. Why are we teaching our youth in a way based on what unsaved sinners are doing and how they're living? Why are we watering down the reality of Christ’s forgiveness and grace and our own redemption based on the actions of the unsaved? Why are we letting those without God in their lives scare us into threatening, cautioning, scolding, and seeding doubt in the minds of our saved youth and young Christians??

Since when do we allow the sins of the unsaved to mar the teachings of the Word of God to our own, simply because those sinners are masquerading as some of us? Why are we listening to and changing our manners of teaching based on the actions of wolves in sheep's clothing?

“But our kids might decide it's okay to go do whatever they want if they’re taught grace is limitless and complete. They’ll use it as an excuse to get away with things.” Even though this line of thought isn't usually spoken aloud - though I have heard it talked about - it screams between the lines every time a lesson on grace is finished with a warning of, “But this doesn't mean you can act just any way you want. Salvation should change you and you should be living a righteous life, where you don't *adds large list of do-nots* and do *adds even long list of do-s*, and you should be on fire for God more than *long list of things they think youth are attached to more than God*, and if you don't feel that passion for Him, you should examine your heart and make sure you're really living for Him and are really saved.”

The number of times I heard this end to an otherwise fabulous message on grace is astounding. And every single time as a young person, it destroyed all power that message on grace had over me. I went from thinking, “Wow. God is so incredible and forgiving, the power of his grace is indescribable… I can't believe I’m really, fully, completely cleansed,” to doubting my own salvation, seeking for signs of being “good” enough in myself, wondering if I was “really living for him” and “really had signs of faith” or if I was still just “going through the motions”. I could never find that elusive passion for Christ the youth ministers raved about. I could think of so many things I had done wrong, name a dozen things in their list I should have done and hadn't, and all reassurance evaporated as soon as it came.

Because they said grace was free, but then added stipulations.

Because they promised His love was unconditional, and then added a hundred conditions.

Because they told us it was all Him, all His love, free and as simple as accepting, and then complicated it by telling us all the ways we needed to see change in ourselves to know we were saved, including an illusive passion that my troubled, confused teenage heart couldn't understand, since I had no idea what real love even was.

And so, limitless grace became limited. Free forgiveness became complicated and pricy. Unconditional love became conditioned. God-wrought change became my responsibility. Security and confidence in salvation and my relationship with God became doubt and confusion. My status as saved vs. unsaved became questionable and unsure and seemingly up to me.

The words of their sermons on grace and forgiveness warred with their terms and conditions.

All because those older than I were afraid that teaching the concept of unlimited, timeless, final grace might give me an opportunity to use that as an excuse to sin.

As always, I was one of the lucky ones. I’d come home from confusing sermons and have my parents’ guidance, love, and unwavering, unconditional grace at every turn to reassure and remind me. My sisters and I would talk about how grace really is and I would find my reassurance once again. For me, the fear and doubt was outweighed by my family's actions and example.

Most kids don't have that type of support and love to fall back on. So most of these kids continue to live in fear and doubt and insecurity, viewing themselves still as lost sinners with a thin covering of grace and constantly reevaluating themselves for some kind of reassurance that they're really saved - or else getting resaved dozens of times because of unquenchable doubts.

So what is this mysterious change that let's us - and others - know that we are members of the Bride of Christ and saved eternally? And how does it differ from the cautionary teachings mentioned before?

It's not being perfect. It's not doing all the right things and avoiding all the bad with a perfect record. It's not some mysterious, crazy thing that suddenly, miraculously clears us of all our faults and flaws. Someone with a temper isn't going to get saved and suddenly find themselves the most placid person alive. Someone who struggles with lying isn't going to suddenly never lie again.

The change is simply this: That quiet place in your chest that aches when you mess up. The part of your mind that knows you’ve done wrong and hates that you have. The moment after sinning when your lips whisper, “I’m sorry, Father,” with heaviness. The change is wanting to do better. The change is being saddened by your sin and wanting to overcome those faults. The change is trying, simply because you want to please Him, not because you think it's a way to earn that forgiveness. It's not complicated. It's not a list of a million things. It's not a do or do-not list. It's not a mysterious passion that no one can actually define. It's that part of you that comes alive and sees sin as wrong and God as good and wishes to please Him, even when you make mistakes and mess up.

Chances are, if you're worried about if you're doing good enough/if you’re pleasing Him/if you're really saved, you’re already forgiven, already made new by grace. And if you are drowning in guilt, broken by the knowledge of your sin, desperate for His forgiveness, then you already have it.

Those who have not been changed by the call of the Holy Ghost and do not have Him in their lives do not have knowledge of Him nor want to please Him. They do not regret things He has said are wrong nor wish to be better and do better in the future because the Bible says those things are sinful. If sins you’ve committed are bothering you and you have already asked Him into your life, then know this - His grace is sufficient, His love is unconditional, your sins of past, present, and future are forgotten, and your name is no longer Sinner. It is enough to rest in His arms. It is enough to know He has done it all. Nothing you do, nothing you will ever do, will take this assurance from you, no matter what people say.

Rejoice, your sins are forgiven, until the end of time.

Rejoice, Christ has done it all.

Rejoice, your shame is gone.

Rejoice, all your old titles are tossed away, as far as the East is from the West. You are no longer called sinner. You are no longer called filthy. You are no longer called disgusting. You are no longer called broken. And if anyone else continues to call you these things or to rub your past sins in your face, then remind them what Grace really is, not it's limited counterfeit version, but it's limitless, true version that has revoked every former title and erased every sin and flaw in you, to the end of time.

And for those of us in positions to guide those younger than us - whether in years or faith - let's stop limiting grace. Let's stop putting conditions on unconditional love because we’re afraid of those who use it as an excuse and that those younger than us will do the same. Those under Christ’s grace and forgiveness and the guidance of the Holy Ghost won’t be led astray by those thoughts, grounded by His presence in their lives - a presence that cannot be undone by mankind. So let's stop trying to control young Christians by warnings and threats and glossing over the true reaches of grace because we're afraid of what they might do with the knowledge. Fear and threats have never saved a soul - God’s work in their lives has. We cannot somehow undermine that work by teaching grace the way it is, with truth and power. And the outcome of their salvation is in God’s hands, where it should be, not in ours, by some sneaky method of teaching that, in the end, only confuses those who are already saved.

I'm not saying we stop teaching right and wrong, simply that we stop doing it in a way that creates doubt and uncertainty, as stipulations and conditions.

Let's go back to teaching grace as the magnificent, timeless, endless, limitless thing it is. Let's go back to giving our youth reasons to rejoice in God’s love, rather than forcing them to live in fear, insecurity, and doubt. Let's go back to shouting praises of God’s salvation and greatness, directing our youth’s eyes to the wonder and awe of who He is and what He has done for us, rather than pointing their gazes at themselves and their faults and mistakes, and “do and don't” lists they can never keep.

Let's stop controlling them with fear of failure and mistakes, and start teaching them respect, love, and awe for the God who saved them and made them whole.

Guilt - An Invisible Epidemic In Christian Youth

Guilt is a tricky thing, and one that is often unspoken of or dealt with. From as early as I can remember being aware of such things, I’ve seen it all around me, particularly in the teenagers of the Church. In fact, I’ve had so many friends, friends of friends, and acquaintances that have struggled with the crushing confines of guilt that I would dare to call it an epidemic. Out of all the young people I have ever known that are Christians (the majority of them born and raised in the church), either personally or through other family members, friends and acquaintances, I can name 2-3 young people laboring under the burden of guilt for every 1 I can name that feels confident and reassured by their relationship with God.

I am not speaking about being-guilty (a topic that is discussed often). I’m talking about Christian kids who are so crushed beneath the knowledge of their past sins and current sinful nature that they're utterly, devastatingly, miserably lost. 2 out of those 3 (in the 3-to-1 ratio before-mentioned) often suffers from crushing self-hate or self-loathing. They're so horrified by the knowledge of their sinful nature that they're incapable of seeing past it, to the point where they believe it sinful to think anything at all good about themselves (even to the point of thinking it wrong to feel secured in their relationship with God).

I can't tell you how many nights I have spent sitting up with dozens of anguished Christian teenagers as they're crushed beneath sins from years past - or actions so small and insignificant that it's unimaginable that it's causing them such agony. Some of the most incredible Christian kids that I have been acquainted with, who show more passion for Christ than most adults I’ve known, are the ones who are most guilt-wracked and uncertain of their salvation or its effects on them as a person.

These aren't the cries of the unsaved begging redemption. These are good kids, raised in Christian homes and churches, who I can see the work of the Holy Ghost in, yet are trapped in a state of anguish day after day. I can name at least 50 kids (or more) that I have known personally who struggle with these things, stuck in the guilt of some small indiscretion that should have been forgotten ages ago. Sometimes I’ve sat up with them and gone over the same sin from years past again and again and again, for years on end, because they’re incapable of letting it go and beginning a forward journey away from it. They’re incapable of accepting forgiveness for these actions as absolute and final, no matter how many times they’re told that the action is forgiven.

So where is this guilt coming from? Why are Christian teenagers seemingly plagued with a destructive perfectionist streak that they know they can't ever achieve? And why is it that older Christians seem oblivious to the epidemic and struggle of these Christian youth which I have seen more often than I’ve ever met Christian teens confident in their redemption? These are kids with a passion for Christ that leaves them crying at 2:00 a.m. because they want so bad to please Him, yet feel helpless to ever achieve it, and thus are thrown into a pit of despair. And I don’t use these words lightly - I say despair with every connotation and resulting mental anguish. These kids aren’t panged with the occasional spike of conscience - they’re consumed with a sense of guilt and disgust towards themselves that they’re incapable of casting it aside.

Why? Because they’ve grown up in churches and Christian households that demand perfection and promote guilt; while, at the same time, continuously feeding their saved and redeemed youth the idea that they are still sinners, forever tarnished. Again and again, I have witnessed the ideal seeded and watered and grown in these young Christians that the grace given to them is little more than a garment that loosely covers their sins, as if their sins have just be swept under a carpet, but they're still filthy sinners underneath. They’re never taught to shed their sins or let them go, because those in charge of their training seem terrified that if they aren't guilt-tripped into behaving, they’ll run rampant. In fact, on more occasions than I can count, I have told these kids it is okay to give those sins to God and release them, and their response has been something to the effect of: “But what if I stop feeling guilty and walking on eggshells and that makes me sin more?” They’ve been told for so long that guilt is the only way to salvation/to keeping their hands from sinful acts that they use it as a safety blanket that they don't know how to survive a Christian life without. “As long as I feel guilty, I won't do anything bad. As long as I am extra careful and hate myself for every sin/punish myself for it/beat myself with every mistake, then I’ll behave like I am supposed to.”

It's an extremely destructive mindset. These kids are so busy hating themselves and feeling guilty over every supposed misstep (some of which are so mundane and tiny that it's painful to witness) that they have no strength or will left to even pursue God. In fact, they've spent so long holding sin at bay with guilt that they are incapable of stopping it any other way, and have no idea how else to go about it. Instead of loving God and pursuing Him and striving to be clean out of a love and respect for Him, they do it out of fear and guilt and horror.

These are often the kids that are praised in churches as being “so well behaved” and “such good examples”, yet often they’re slowly crumbling inside with the fear of making even a single misstep and disappointing those around them/getting in trouble/messing up. And then when they're at home, they are yelled at/torn down/scolded for every tiny mistake, backing up their belief that they're horrible, awful sinners that have to spend the rest of their lives living in guilt and walking on eggshells to have any hope of being even close to the perfect people their parents, the church, and even friends and acquaintances expect of them.

These kids have never been taught that once saved, they're transformed from a sinner into a Child of God. The concept is explained on the surface, but most of the time, they have absolutely no idea how that works/what that means for them. They’ve been taught the surface notions for as long as they can remember, but without the meat, without the strength of the deeper facts of what that means for them and how it changes them, they're left clueless and baffled.

“How can I not be ashamed if I am a sinner?”

“How can I be loveable if I’m disgusting?”

“How can I be okay with not feeling dirty if I make mistakes every day?”

“I know God saved me, but I’m still so dirty.”

They’ve been given the knowledge that they have a sin nature and then left without the weapons to know how to face it. The scriptures that would help them cope and overcome the faults in their characters and mistakes they make are skimmed over or untaught altogether. And then they're told, over and over, the list of things they have to do and not do - a list they’re incapable of always keeping - and how horrible each and every one of those sins are, and how disappointed/angry/sad everyone will be if they fail. Guilt inducing sermons are preached on every topic from lust to lying to right/wrong behavior towards others to all the good virtues they need to have, and then are told to repent. Yet they're never taught how to repent and, after they do, how to let go of those sins and move forward in their lives, rather than living with the guilt of it for the rest of time. They're told over and over how we all deserve death and how stained we all are and how every misstep, every mistake, every sin makes them worthy of Hellfire. And without the tools to know God’s love and not just his condemnation, and how to release the guilt and horror after repentance, and how to move forward and overcome that sin without using guilt as their tool, they’re helpless in the face of it.

Even as a young teenager attending Bible camps and church functions, I found myself thinking in every “repent and leave your sin behind” sermon, “How? How? Tell me how. Tell me what to do.” But aside from a vague “Pray and ask forgiveness”, there were never any such answers. And I never knew when I had “prayed enough”, been “repenting” (aka living in guilt) for long enough.

It was like I was trying to offer guilt as my payment for sin. Like if I did something bad, I needed to cry enough over it, feel bad enough for it, hate myself long enough for it to be repaid. “Repent”, they said, like that was the answer. Like it was the thing I needed to do to make it right. I was thirsting for answers on what to do after I sinned and “how to make it right”, and their answer was “be sorry and repent”. So I tried to pay my way with apologies and guilt, to somehow prove I was sorry enough for it to be forgiven. Even though I knew that salvation was something given, that forgiveness was something bestrowed by God, I felt like I had to beg for it. Like it was something I earned by being sorry and feeling bad enough. Like God only would give that forgiveness once I had cried for enough time.

And because of that, despite already being saved, I felt uneasy all the time. Worried and afraid all the time. Dirty and ashamed a lot, for several years, because I never knew if I had felt bad enough, if I had repented right, if I had really made things right with God.

It's a destructive way to think, even though, on the surface, there's nothing really unbiblical about it. The sermons weren't necessarily biblically wrong, the concepts weren't untrue; it's just that I wasn't given the tools to know how to handle/apply the knowledge to my own life. I didn't know how, as a saved individual, as a Child of God, I was different than a sinner. I didn't know that, as a redeemed person, my mistakes no longer defined me. I didn't know that repenting only took a single word, a single cry to God in my heart, and that was enough. And I definitely didn't know that there was a way to strive to be godly that didn't include wrapping a noose of guilt around my neck to hold me in check.

Luckily for me, I had a great church who nurtured and loved me even when I messed up. I had patient, wonderful parents who helped me understand better and who didn't condemn me/yell at me/rub my mistakes in my face. They taught me true forgiveness through their actions - the kind that is loving and gentle and calm in face of my biggest mess-ups. The kind that didn't tell me over and over that this sin branded me; that instead, as a Child of God, saved and redeemed fully and completely, it was already wiped off the moment I accepted Jesus’ gift years ago, even though I hadn't yet committed the sin. The kind of forgiveness that included them patiently forgiving me and hugging me when I probably deserved to be punished instead. The kind that said “you’re forgiven” the instant I whispered “sorry”. The kind that, even if there were still consequences for the sin, those consequences were handed out lovingly/gently/graciously instead of with fury and anger and words that ground the sin into my mind as an unforgivable act that I would have to “work” to erase.

My parents never tried to use guilt to get me to not sin. They didn't try to make me so afraid of the consequences that I would be too afraid to mess up. It wasn't fear they taught me as the weapon against sin, or guilt as the reins I held to keep my life on a straight road. And I am lucky. So lucky, because they taught me respect instead of fear. They taught me love instead of guilt. They taught me not as a condemned sinner, but rather as a Child of God, and they taught me with gentle firmness and calmness, treating me as a saved and redeemed person, a loved and cherished child, not as a disgusting sinner. Instead of screams of displeasure and disappointment, I received gentle guidance when my feet began to stray. My rebukes were loving, even when firm, and something I did was never kept hanging between us for hours or days or months or years, but resolved, corrected, and forgiven right away. I was taught forgiveness wasn't something I needed to beg for, but something freely given the moment I saw my error.

I was, but most of these kids were not. They have no example of free grace and forgiveness, no reason to believe themselves loveable or cherishable, when they're condemned, railed at, and criticized endlessly for every fault and mistake. And these encounters are rarely (if ever) resolved or forgiven by their parents but rather swept under the rug and left in an endless pile of things for their children to hate themselves over or be guilty about, with no way of gaining closure or forgiveness.

Are their parents wrong to be upset over their sin? No. Sin is wrong and needs corrected. But without the reassurance and example of a parent's forgiveness and grace, and without resolution often times, it's too often that these incidents cascade from a normal childhood/teenage mistake into something severely scarring and damaging for kids who really are trying their best to please and live correctly.

And since their parents are, biblically, not incorrect in being displeased (though I would argue incorrect in their execution/method of the correction), these kids are often helpless in the face of it. The Bible backs up their parents’ stance on their behavior/action/etc. being wrong, so without any resolution, they simply take the anger and, since they see it as deserved, turn it into another instance of their inadequacy and another reason to become lost in guilt and grief.

I’ve had people ask me on this topic before, “Well why don't these kids just go seek out their parents and resolve it?” But the sad truth is, rarely when these kids try does it end well. Either it ends in another lecture/they get yelled at again by their parents because they're too angry or disappointed to sort it out rationally, or they're met with a reluctant brush-off that doesn't clear the air at all.

So the problem lies in that the parents are, technically, biblically correct. They’ve got the Bible behind them saying this behavior is wrong and the Bible telling them they need to correct and punish the actions. It's their God-given duty to raise up their kids to know right from wrong and act accordingly.

But I think in their haste to fulfill that duty, they forget that God had every right to leave us to eternal damnation in Hell, as well. That it was His right to punish us and rain fire upon us and raged at us at every sin. That we deserved all that comes as a result from sin… and yet, He forgave us. He steers us gently to the right path. He teaches us with love and saved us with Grace and redeemed us despite what we deserved. He’s patient with us. He’s forgiving with us. He’s full of mercy and bestows it on us with love.

And it makes me wonder...how are kids expected to understand that when they're never shown? How are they ever meant to walk in forgiveness and grace when they have no idea what that walk looks like in practice? If parents don't bestow that same grace, forgiveness and gentle correction and guidance on their children without condemning them, then how are those kids supposed to understand what those terms even mean?

If their Christian parents don't ever erase those sins from hanging between them, how can they understood that God does?

If Christian parents are more concerned about guilt-tripping and fear-enforcing their kids into correct behavior than teaching them what grace is, then how can they ever feel the freedom and cleansing of Christ?

If their parents only ever view and treat them as disappointing, disgusting sinners, condemning them for every mistake, then how are they supposed to ever understand what it means to be a Child of God and how that makes them different from the unsaved?

If Christian parents expect to be begged for forgiveness, to only grant it reluctantly after their child has cried and wept and pleaded, if even then… then how can their kids understand that God’s grace is free, that it's all about Him and His sacrifice, and not some guilt-and-tear-offering by us that buys it?

Because these kids can be told it, and taught it, and hear it a thousand times, but if they have never felt it from the Christians around them, but only ever felt the harsh weight of perfectionistic expectations and condemnation, how are they supposed to understand it?

They’ll continue to see themselves as some pesky sinful annoyance God reluctantly agreed to save because He is kind, and not as a Child of God, whom He loves and cherishes and wanted for His own. Not as precious or called or wanted, but rather as “tolerated”.

I’m not saying parents should stop punishing sin or treat it all like it's nothing. I’m not saying you take away the gravity or the consequences of those actions. But maybe if parents corrected, guided and taught their children the right path to take like my parents did, rather than railing at them and branding them with the event for ages to come until they “earn” forgiveness, I wouldn't spend so many days replying to anguished, hopeless, terrified, lost Christian teenagers who have no idea what to do or where to turn, and who are drowning in their own guilt. I wouldn’t helplessly try to explain the concept of free, all-encompassing grace to dozens of teenagers who don’t understand it, only to have their parents or pastors or counselors erase anything I might have gotten across to them with a single fury-coated, anger-driven lecture that drives home their guilt all over again.

Was the Bible written to beat our kids over the heads with relentlessly? Was it created to be a sword that cuts away their confidence in their salvation and standing with God?

I’ve had more teenagers contact me begging for advice on how to please their parents, Christian acquaintances and friends than I know how to count. I’ve spent more nights awake until 2:00 a.m. with a young person as they beg for advice on what to do to be better so people will stop being angry with them. I’ve listened to countless cries of hopelessness and anguish from people who are already saved but have no idea how to shed the guilt of their life before - and the mistakes they make after - their salvation. “I’m so dirty and I don’t know what to do” is as common in my emails as “hello”. I’m in a unique position with these young people to hear the cries of their hearts, as I’m old enough for them to turn to me for help, but young enough that they’re comfortable reaching out to me. But it’s not enough for me to try to explain the concepts of grace, unconditional love and forgiveness when the things I tell them are constantly combated by the people in authority in their lives.

So I write this to ask us all to rethink how we treat those younger than us - whether younger in their faith or younger in years - and if how we are treating them reflects how God would treat them. Are you witnessing to them with your actions? Are you showing them grace, love and forgiveness in action? Are you a good example of godly love and forgiveness?

Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Matthew 6:14-15 - For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Luke 6:37 - Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

Colossians 3:13 - Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye.

As parents, do you apply how Christ tells us to behave towards one another to your children? Do you as pastors, and counselors, and people in the church? And if, like in Matthew 6:14-15, God were to forgive you based on how often/the manner in which you forgive those under your care, whether your children or young people in your church, how would that look? Are you kind to your children? Are you forgiving to your children? Are you tenderhearted towards them? Do you treat them as Children of your Heavenly Father, as precious and loved in His sight?

If you are a parent, God has given you a ministry to your children, to raise them to be His. Are you being good examples of grace, forgiveness, and love, as well as correction? The most you will ever teach your children are the things you never tell them, but rather show them through your own actions and day to day lives. Are you a good godly example? Or are you quick to dish out fury and condemnation for their actions, rather than guidance and gentle correction and forgiveness? Are you teaching them guilt and fear to guide them, or respect and love to keep their steps sure on their spiritual journey?

I would urge the church to examine its behavior in these regards. The minds and hearts of those in our care - the young Christians among us - are precious, but often lost and confused.

"The Marriage Proposal" - A Flash Fiction

So I wrote a flash fiction today. If you don't know what flash fiction is, it's basically where you're given a prompt (either in word form or a picture you go off of) and told to write a super short story based on it (usually between 100 to 1,000 words). It's an exercise to condense emotions/writing style/etc. into topics that you don't usually write about. Basically, they're to help writers get better at writing, widen their horizons, challenge them, push them out of their comfort zone, etc.

Anyway, today's prompt was "Write Someone's Answer To A Marriage Proposal". Since I don't usually do a lot of romantic writing, it definitely was something outside my usual comfort zone. So I figured I'd share the result with all of you. LOL. I'd love to hear your thoughts. (Pardon any oddity. I'm not a romantic writer and I've never done anything like this before. ;) Haha!)


The Marriage Proposal, by Miranda Marie (A Flash Fiction):

Tell me that you’ll never leave me.

Not that we’ll still be together when we’re old – because that sounds too romantic, and romantic intentions are not enough. No, tell me instead that you will remain when we’re middle aged, and I’m overweight and your eyes are tired from long days at a job you hate, and our house is messy when you come home. When life is so mundane, so boring, that you almost can’t stand it. When the passion is gone and we’ve not yet reached a point where it is romantic or simpler to remain together because of old age. Tell me you’ll stay with me when all we do is bicker over which TV show to watch in the evening, and then go to bed earlier than you wanted and later than I cared for, and lay there beside me, feeling tired of this boring life that once was all you dreamed about.

Tell me that you’ll stay when this love is no longer an adventure, no longer a thrill, no longer a passion that burns within you. Tell me you’ll stay when talking feels more like a chore than an enjoyment, and on the nights where you’d rather stay out until I’m already asleep instead of spending it with me. Tell me you’ll come home anyway, tell me you’ll put bickering out of your mind and try to do what I want, so that I remember what it’s like to give instead of take. Say you’ll make the first step that will remind me I need to take steps too, so that the next night, I’ll do what you want and not argue, and maybe fall into that routine instead.

Promise you’ll stay through the boring, mundane, sad times that aren’t even all that bad – the times where it feels more exciting to leave instead – and then promise me that once we’ve gone through those periods like every couple does, that we’ll start trying harder. Tell me that you’ll lay awake one night and realize we can’t go on like this, and instead of leaving to start over with someone else, or by yourself, that you’ll resolve to start over with me. That we’ll work to find that passion again, when it seems it’s gone out, and learn to fall in love all over again, with each other, and not someone else.

Don’t tell me you’re marrying me because you can’t live without me – because someday, that feeling of needing me desperately will fade away into ashes.

Don’t tell me you’re marrying me because of passion, because passion fades and withers like roses.

Don’t tell me you’re marrying me because I’m everything to you, because someday when we’re middle aged and boring, I might end up being just another person in a life that maybe bores you. Just another puzzle piece in a life you’re no longer that excited about.

Don’t tell me you’re marrying me because I’m your better half, because I’m not perfect, and you’ll see every one of those flaws, and come to realize I’m not better than you at all. That really, I’m just as messed up and crazy and weird and annoying as you think you are, and I don’t want you to leave when you realize that’s the truth.

Don’t ask me to marry you because what we have is special, because everyone says that, and it’s never true. Feelings aren’t special. Passion isn’t special. Being everything to someone isn’t special.

Tell me you’re marrying me because you love me. No, not the kind of love everyone thinks of when the words is said – the kind that burns as passion, the kind that romanticizes everything, the kind that makes everything about life seem bright and wonderful and happy. That kind of love fades. It withers and dies, or comes and goes like waves against the shore.

But tell me you’re marrying me, that you’ll stay true forever and always, because of duty and honor. Tell me that you’ll stay with me always because once you take those vows, you’ll never go back on your word. Tell me that you’re serious about what we are building – serious enough to swear before God that you’ll always be mine, even when we’re boring and mundane and just another couple like every other couple out there. Tell me that you’ll stay true to your word, even when you don’t want to – tell me that the man who is marrying me is honorable and true, virtuous and noble. Tell me that you’ll take this commitment before God seriously, that it means more to you than a simple profession of passion.

Tell me that you’re never going to leave me, that you’ll never abandon me. Tell me that no matter the struggles, we’ll work through them, pass them by together, no matter how difficult. Tell me that I’m safe with you. Tell me that I’m secure with you. Tell me that you’ll build me a future where I never have to doubt that you’ll come home to me. Tell me that I’m yours, and you are mine, no matter what. Tell me this is the kind of love you have for me, that this is not just a profession of passion, but a promise of a future, a secure future that is ours, entirely ours, until death do us part.

And then prove it to me. Prove it to me every day, no matter the circumstances, no matter what we face. Give me your word, and then prove to me that your word is good.

Because this is what I want to build my future on.

This promise.

This security.

Because that… that is love. Not passion. Not feelings. Not emotions, as fleeting as flowers in spring: pretty but unsustainable.

Love is a promise.

It’s an oath, a covenant.

A future.

And if promising that doesn’t frighten you, doesn’t terrify you down to your very core, then think on it harder. Because this is not some small, easily-promised feat. This is not something that should be given without a heavy weight on your heart and your mind, that doesn’t frighten you in the middle of the night. It should be a resolve, a determination, a choice that you have made and are willing to go to the ends of the earth to keep. Don’t take this lightly. Don’t pretend it is small and easy. Think on it long, and hard, and be certain it is what you want – that you want me, that you want our future, that you want the weight of all the days to come.

There is no going back. You will be mine and I will be yours forever, and that is no small thing.

So promise me you have thought on it – really, really thought on it – and it is not a flight of fancy or a rush of passion pushing this from your lips.

Tell me you mean it.

Because Of My Mother

People often tell me I am brave – and if I am, it's because of my mother.  

People often tell me that I am kind – and if I am, it's because of my mother.  

People often tell me I am resilient – and if I am, it's because of my mother.  

People often tell me that I have great faith – and if I do, it's because of my mother. 

If I am brave in the face of the hardships life has given me as of late, it's because my mother has taught me how. Long before I became ill, I watched my mother suffer. I can't even remember a time when it wasn't so. And all through growing up, I watched her struggle with it, and win. I watched her bravery in facing early-onset Parkinson's and still raise five children. I watched her shake and tremble and be unable to feed herself, yet still she taught us our school, and guided us through life, and encouraged us in every pursuit. I am brave because I had the very best model of bravery. I am brave because my mother showed me how to be.  

If I am kind to others, it's because my mother showed me what kindness is. She, who suffered long before I ever did, takes time out of her hard life to talk to lawyers for my family, to help us kids understand and complete paperwork, medical bills, and college grants. Even though we are often tight on money, she finds money to buy things for the food pantry. Since I was small, I have always seen my mother's kindness. I needed no definition aside from her actions. When she offers gentle words to new mothers at camp, when she talks to the hurting people around me and offers them her help, when she makes phone calls for me when I can't do it myself... A thousand things she does every day has shown me what true kindness is. So if I am kind, it is because of my mother.  

If I have great faith in face of hardship, it's because my mother led the way. Life has always been hard for my family - the way that life is hard for everyone. But I never once saw my mother's faith waver. Never in my lifetime could I say that I saw her doubting. She taught me the greatest part of faith – the one thing I have always truly needed to make it through life. And that is: God is Enough. Even if everything is taken from us, even if we have nothing left, God is Enough. She taught me that keeping my eyes on Him would get me through anything life could throw me, because He is greater than all life's worst twists and turns. She did not have to say it. She didn't have to lay it out before me like a map. I saw it in every action. I heard it in every word. 

If I have great faith, it's because God has shown me His light, through her.  

Everything I am, I owe to her.  

People often say that I am a lot like my mother - and if that's true, then I can think of no better compliment.  

Happy birthday, Mama. I love you. Thank you for being the lighthouse through which Jesus shone so brightly. Thank you for teaching me all the best things I know. : )

Defying "Social Norms" in Reading and Writing

So we’ve all heard those “golden rules of writing” that seem so completely vague, yet are so over-bearing that it makes writing or finding “good literature” feel like work, right? And we’ve all had those people who made us feel like something we wrote/read and loved was unacceptable or “wrong” somehow, by pointing out some vague rule or concept that you had forgotten in a far back corner of your mind. You know the person – the one who took a book you read or wrote and loved dearly and somehow manages to rake up dozens of flaws in either the writing or the plot or the characters, based on those vague-yet-overpowering-rules.  

If you’ve been at this long – or even if you haven’t – you’ve probably had a few of those moments (or, you know, more than a few. Possibly your entire career as a writer/reader has been made up of them). Well, take heart, dear writers and readers. I’m going to touch base on a few of them and tell you why you don’t need to worry so much about those things. And I’m also I’m going to be breaking open some of our faulty thought processes as a culture regarding books and authors in general (because, yes, I’ve fallen into the trap that is those pesky misconceptions of “good writing” too). And I’m going to do it using my newest novel – Echoes – as an example. [You don’t need to have read Echoes to read this blog post, and it won’t have any spoilers for if you do plan to read it in the future.]

To begin, you need to understand more about what Echoes is. It’s a hard book to categorize, because of the strangeness of how it’s been written. The plot – while seemingly should fit in a YA action adventure or SciFi category – somehow is tucked into a contemporary novel. Odder yet, the writing style is a mishmash of poetical prose and scattered comparisons that seem like they might better fit in a book of poetry than an action-adventure-turned-contemporary. So how did I, the author, think to cram so many apparently-random elements into a single novel – and, even more importantly, why?

While the answer to those things is very simple – and will be explained later in this post – the main thing is that it’s a book that’s not only hard to categorize, but one that I’m expecting to get a lot of grief over (and have already started getting messages about, over the “strangeness” of it). It is weird – I’m totally willing to accept and admit that, to anyone who asks about it. It’s not your normal cup of tea, and it doesn’t fit in the normal boxes that books are “supposed(??)” to fit into, and I’ll be the first to admit it. It blows off dozens of the “suggested guidelines (which you’d better follow if you know what’s good for you, baby)”, and I’m unapologetically aware of that fact.

So why did I do it? The answer, as stated before, is simple: I wanted it to be realistic. And before everyone starts getting up in arms about that statement, I’ll explain why I came to the conclusion that I did about what ‘realistic’ is, by first explaining what realistic isn’t. To do so, we first need to delve into what some of the common misconceptions and mistakes are, as well as some of the misplaced “normalcy” of today’s writing atmosphere.

So let’s break it down into parts, shall we?

1.      People Don’t Make Sense: One of the hardest things about being an author (or a distraught reader who has just been told their favorite character is unrealistic for reasons XYZ) is that you have to break out of the expectations of what readers have been lead to believe is “realistic” or “normal” for characters. Basically – we expect characters to make sense, all of the time, regardless of the situation. But the thing is, people don’t make sense 24/7. We’re all a big ball of twisted up, act-out-of-character, have-weird-days, don’t-even-know-who-we-are’s that are constantly growing and expanding with every day that we live. And even more confusing, we as readers expect to know every motive of every character, even if the book is from a single POV. (But that’s maybe getting off-topic – a post for another day.)

2.      Mirroring-Their-Genre: If you’re much of a reader, you’ll probably have noticed the same thing I have, and this is that characters often reflect their genre (even if authors try to disguise it with other little details that distract the reader). That is to say, characters in Action Adventure novels are, more often than not, the “guns-blazing, sassy, uber-brave” stereotypes. Characters in romance books are either the “dreamy-eyed, obsessed with romance, searching for my soulmate” types or they’re the “I’ve given up on love, it’s over-rated, roll-my-eyes-at-everyone, I want none of this” types. Fantasy characters are the “I didn’t know this huge thing about myself so now I feel super lost, I’m freaking out and don’t know what to do, slowly-become-crazy-awesome-anyway” types. Whatever the genre is, you can bet on it that the characters will reflect that genre, and if they don’t, people will get mad over it or confused about it. They expect the characters to make sense with their genre. (Because genre apparently is more important than making realistic characters?) And while those types aren’t necessarily bad in and of themselves, the common misconception that characters in those genres have to be that way is. I know I’ve gotten grief over it, both as a writer and a reader.

3.      Just Make Sure Your Characters Speak, Regardless of Their Personality, Okay?: So as writers and readers, we’ve all heard it the old “balance your descriptions and dialogue, because if you don’t, that can throw readers off” thing, right? And as readers, most of us have gotten frustrated with a book that didn’t have enough dialogue or felt clunky because it had too much, am I right? So obviously good books balance the two, yes? Well, no. The current “popular opinion” is that books should balance the two, but it’s really just a side effect of what our current culture likes – that is to say, things that are easy. Books with a “good balance” of dialogue and monologue are the easy-peasy kind of reads that make reading a breeze. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with those. As a dyslexic person and a reader in general, I can tell you that when I started reading, those were the only kinds of books I would read. Yep, I, too, fell into the trap of believing that easy, perfectly-balanced books were the only good books. But honestly, they aren’t somehow better than books with more of one or the other. Take the old classics, for instance. Shakespeare is heavy on dialogue. Austen is heavy on description and monologue. In fact, most of the classics veer much more to the left, so to speak, and are almost all monologue-heavy with little dialogue. And, I mean, if it was good enough to get them onto the ultra-famous list, why is it now considered “bad writing”?

So now that we’ve touched base on a few of the things that had made people question my choices as an author (and things that are currently mistaken social norms), I’ll come back and touch base on those more, as well as explain why I believe “realistic” is not at all what we, as readers, have been lead to believe. To do so, I’ll be using my own new release – Echoes – as an example.

1.      People Don’t Make Sense: I wanted to make this book (and Emma’s character) as realistic as I could. She’s a girl with a rather dark past and she struggles with a form of PTSD, as well as a kind of social anxiety and general social awkwardness. On top of that, she’s a huge introvert. That being said, her mind is a tangled maze filled with minefields and dead-ends. She’s got a lot of trauma and she has no background on which to base her internal thoughts, so she kind of…invented her own, so to speak. She compares and contrasts everything she hears and feels and touches, because that’s really the only way she knows how to think – and that means her internal thoughts are weird, confusing or “bulky” feeling. She’s weird and she doesn’t make a ton of sense – but that’s who she is, and I wasn’t going to compromise that just to make readers feel like she was “realistic”. (Because apparently being realistic is…unrealistic?)

2.      Mirroring-Their-Genre: Emma’s backstory is quite obviously Science Fiction, right? I mean, she’s basically a cyborg assassin – very sci-fi stuff going on there. Yet the story style itself is an odd mix of contemporary and poetic. The premise of the book feels like it should be YA, yet it is confusing, complexing and dark enough theme-wise to maybe fit more with an adult audience. “It’s like the author couldn’t make up her mind!” …right?

       No. I’m well aware of the boundaries put forth by genres and the generally-accepted social “norms” for books – and I laugh at them, to be honest. Genres make absolutely zero sense to me. It’s like taking something that is supposed to be completely creative and should reflect an author’s unique creativity and saying, “Hey, you can be totally creative, but you have to stay in this box.” So…basically, if you gave a little kid a coloring book, told them they could paint their own, completely-original artwork…and then scolded them for getting outside of the lines. Can anyone tell me how this makes any sense? Genres basically were created around books that were previously written by saying “hey, this novel is a similar style to this older novel, so let’s group them together!” And while that was all well and good when it was just grouping novels into similar groups, now that grouping is affecting the very characters in a story.  

    And I didn’t feel like limiting Emma’s impact on her own story, just to fit into that imaginary set of lines created by social normalcy. The style is written the way it is because it’s befitting the character the story is about. I don’t write stories in genres – I write stories about characters, and let the characters themselves dictate what’s possible and what isn’t. So her past is SciFi, and her present is poetical, and she herself is maybe a case-study of PTSD from inside of the mind of someone who has it. Is that bad? No. Is it going to confuse some people and maybe make them dislike the book? Sure. And that’s okay. People can like and dislike things to their heart’s content, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Does it mean I’m going to change how I write? No, it’s not. I got into writing because it was freeing – because it’s the craziest, most liberating, wackiest form of art. If I changed just to fit into what’s currently considered normal, then I wouldn’t be a writer anymore, and it would lose all pleasure for me.

3.      Just Make Sure Your Characters Speak, Regardless of Their Personality, Okay?: This kinda ties into the point above – I’m not going to make my characters act or be a certain way just because it’s considered normal or “right”. Emma is an introverted, socially-awkward, withdrawn human being. She’s the type of girl who would sit in the corner at a party and never say a word to anyone. And Echoes is about her, so the amount of dialogue is going to reflect that about her. I’m not going to force her into having conversations with every character in the novel, when that’s not who she is – not even to satisfy the curiosity of the readers as to the thoughts and motivations of those around her. And if that makes me a bad writer somehow, then so be it. At least I’m being true to my characters, which I think is more important anyway.

 

So the point? We need to stop giving up our unique creativity to please the masses. Readers, if you love a book – love it, regardless of what other people say is “right” or “wrong” about it. Writers, do what works for you, have your own unique voice, tell stories from your prospective, from your characters’ prospective, and throw caution to the wind. You don’t have to feel pressured to do what is considered “normal” and “proper” to be great. The world doesn’t need more stories that fit into a tidy little box, where the characters make “sense” (unrealistically), where the story is packaged into a pretty little genre, or where they’re unchallenged to think beyond what they’re used to thinking. And if people hate you for it, or want to tear apart a story you love, then that’s their loss. There will always be those who just don’t appreciate a story – those who have different tastes and thoughts and opinions – but wouldn’t you rather be disliked for something that is truly your own, or a story you truly related to, than disliked for a story you didn’t even pour your heart into, nor really truly adored?

And readers – let’s stop labeling stories as “badly written” just because they took creative license. That’s what writers are for, after all. If we didn’t push the boundaries and try new things, we wouldn’t be writers at all. If you don’t like a story, that’s totally fine. You’re very much due your own opinion, just as much as writers are allowed to have their own style, but we should be cautious what we label as “wrong” or “bad/poor writing”. A story that we might not have liked or understood may be the story that saves another’s life.

Thank you all for reading! I appreciate every one of you. <3 and if you’d like to give Echoes a try, despite its admittedly-odd style, you can purchase it on Amazon here: https://goo.gl/6F2ccr

The Problem With Courage - Or The Lack Thereof

I'd like to start this post with a note that, since I'm very shy and struggle with talking about boys at all without blushing red as a tomato, this is a rather tricky post for me. And considering its a post about bravery, it seems rather ironic that I'm more than a little apprehensive and nervous about sharing it. ;) That being said, I'm doing so anyway, because I feel that it needs to be said. (Excuse me while I go hide in the corner and blush for the rest of the evening.)

 

 

Why I (And Apparently Many Other Young Ladies) Have Never Had A Date

The short and simple answer: I’ve never been asked. Despite several young admirers over the years – some of which everyone under the sun were aware liked me – I’ve never so much as been told that I was liked. Sure, there were the stares and the shy smiles and the flirtatious comments here and there. There were heavy hints and almost-romantic letters wherein the sender never actually admitted any romantic intentions – walking a careful line where everyone knew it but it was never admitted – but never was there actually a move on the boy’s part. And I know what everyone is thinking. “Well, why not just make the first move?” The answer for that is simple, as well. I want to actually be liked enough – and be considered worth enough – for the boy to get over the fear and ask.

For one, biblically, men are supposed to be the leaders. They’re supposed to guide the family, be the ones that go before and show the way. So if a boy isn’t even brave enough to tell me to my face that he likes me, then how is he ever supposed to be a good, godly husband to lead me and my children in our marriage? And over the years, I’ve heard people respond to that opinion with, “Well, boys can’t help if they’re shy!” Which is true. But there’s a difference between shyness and cowardice. I’m shy. I’m extremely introverted. But I’m also the person that makes the opening comments in a conversation 99% of the time. I’m not asking the boy to start the conversation constantly or be the first to approach me continuously. I’ve encouraged boys before. I’ve written letters back, I’ve talked to them, I’ve even flirted – with absolutely no success of any kind.

In fact, my mother has gone so far as to ask boys home for Sunday dinner to encourage them (an event that totally embarrassed me, but hey, that’s what caring mothers are for ;) ).

Even more confusing – and frustrating – still, I am not the only one experiencing such things. I’m friends with at least a dozen girls with similar stories, and have heard even more such accounts from mothers. Stories of boys telling everyone else under the sun how much he likes a girl – in fact, even telling the girl’s parents – without the girl ever hearing word of it.

Boys, the most unattractive trait in any man – if indeed you can call them men with such a trait – is cowardice. I do not mind if you’re shy. I don’t mind if you need encouraged a bit. But if you can’t get over your fear long enough to admit to me that you like me and want to get to know me better, then any chance you had just went down the drain. God has given you the role of leaders. Your place in the family is to guide and to step up to the plate and do what is necessary to lead your family. I’m not going to “make the first move”, because to me, a boy making the first move is the first sign that he’s a godly man, ready for the responsibility of taking on a relationship. Swallow your fear, approach the girl, and talk to her truthfully.

If boys can’t become men and figure that out, I fear a lot of us women will end up old spinsters, which is – to me, at least – an unenjoyable thought. I’m 20 years old and have never been asked out or told by a boy that he’d like to get to know me better, and I’m not the only one in the Christian community, by a long shot.

Be brave, young men. Step out of boyhood and find your courage, because I’m not going to do it for you.

Besides my firm view on this biblically, I’m also disabled, making this an even more difficult point for me. Not only won’t I go out pursuing men, I’m physically unable to do so. So God will have to send someone who is willing to pursue me and not mind the physical limitations I face every day. It’s a bit disconcerting to think that, if the young men of our times weren’t even willing to assert themselves when I was physically able to participate actively in social situations, how unlikely is it that they’ll be willing to try twice as hard to do so now that I am not able to?

So I guess I’d like to end this with a request that we pray for the young men of our day and age. And those in positions to guide and lead these young men, please teach them what it is to be godly men who will pursue godly women as they ought to be pursued.