"Maybes" and "Ifs" - Life Can Be Good

I have been struggling a lot over the last year to try to understand how I feel about doctors. MDs, NDs, medical and natural, small clinics and large hospitals. And that struggle, I’ll admit, has been a difficult one for me. Every time I step through their doors – big doors and little doors alike – I am faced with a myriad of emotions that make little sense to me.

The one I feel the most is apprehension and fear, which has left me confused and frustrated since all of this began. I went through stages of guilt where my mind tried to convince me I was somehow, subconsciously, weirdly, not wanting to be healed. I faced periods where I thought maybe it was induced by my poor experiences: the physical pain that followed or was inflicted during those visits or the mental distress at being called insane or attention-seeking.

But I don’t think it’s any of those things. Not when I’m thinking logically and not letting emotions like guilt and fear run away with my mind.

Because I don’t mind trying every possible solution.

I don’t mind going to doctors or having my blood drawn.

I don’t mind having the scans, or taking the pills, or any of that.

And I would love to be normal again. I would love to do all of those things that everyone always talks about me doing if I was healed. Going to college to become a wedding planner (something that I’ve thought would be amazing since I helped my mom with a wedding reception when I was a lot younger), traveling the country, etc. None of those things bring on apprehension or fear. Those are things I would love to do, to be, to have. Who wouldn’t? I think only the insane.

Yet I am not well enough to do those things now, and I think that’s what bothers me. Because what I do mind…

…is hearing it talked about with excitement, and the pills not working.

Is listening to everyone hope for it with all their hearts, and the blood work to come back with nothing.

What I mind, is watching disappointment cloud their eyes and their faces with every possible-fix that doesn’t work out.

I hate the disappointment. I hate the way it makes my mom look like she’s gonna cry. I hate the way it brings frustration and sadness and pain. I hate hearing people say “maybe by then you’ll be better so you can…”

Because “then” always comes and I’m still the same.

I don’t always want to be waiting for a “then”, and I don’t want to make everyone who loves me wait for a “then” too. I don’t want my life to be on hold, waiting for a cure, hoping for the next medical breakthrough. I don’t want to plan my life based on “maybes” and “ifs” that may come while I am still…the way I am.

And I don’t want to spend my whole life feeling broken, like something that can’t be complete as it is. I don’t want everyone else to spend their whole lives feeling that way either. I don’t want to be pitied like I’m getting a second-rate life. Because I won’t be getting a second-rate life if I make this life my own.

I don’t want to give up trying to get better. I want to keep trying the things my mom finds that may help me. But I don’t want to keep holding onto those things as the only options to a good life. I don’t want to base my life on maybe-fixes.

I want to base my life on the one truth I really understand, and that’s this:

 

Psalm 139: ¹⁴ I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

¹⁵ My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

¹⁶ Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

^z17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

¹⁸ If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

 

God made me the way I am, fashioned me with His own hands. He knew I would grow weak. He knew I would face these things. And in His time, and His way, if it is His will, He will heal me of it too. And in the meanwhile, I want to trust that He has a purpose for it. I want to remember that all things work together for good to those that love Him.

I want to go to Texas and try everything they tell us. I’m so, so grateful for the opportunity to go and everyone who is helping us to get there. It’s an opportunity that’s amazing for me, and for my family, and words can’t convey how precious I find everyone who is sending us. Knowing so many people love me is…just beyond what I can express. God has truly given me the most amazing friends and family – both in blood relation and through Christ.

But I want to do all of it knowing that if it doesn’t work, I’m still going to have a great life. Not because I have amazing health, but because I know I have a Savior who is with me, a family who loves me, and friends who uphold me.

I want to go into it knowing that if it doesn’t make all those dreams everyone has for me possible, I can still make new ones. Maybe ones that are limited by my health, but still ones that are wonderful. Like writing a hundred books and publishing them all. If I’m unable to become a wedding planner, then I can become a great author. If I am unable to go to college, I will research so many books that I eventually educate myself on a thousand topics more than any college can teach me. If I can’t travel the world, then I will write my own and share it with others who can’t either.

And when I am done, I will be able to say that I have filled the world with clean, good literature – something our world is desperately in need of, and something I can do.

Because life isn’t about what you can or can’t have; what we are or what we aren’t. Life is about serving our Lord and Savior with what He has given us, and praising Him for it.

And I think, if I look at life this way, and He heals me, it will be a beautiful surprise. If we find a cure, or a doctor does something that helps, or we figure out something that changes my health for the better – no, for the marvelous – then it will be something incredible to celebrate. I’d rather it be that, than always look for it and hope for it and only find bitter disappointment. And… I’d like to ask everyone else to do the same. Everyone is always asking what they can do to help me, and I guess this is what I want, and have wanted for a while now.

Help me stop looking at life as “maybes” and “ifs”. Help me to start living without them. Help me promote my books as I publish them, so I can bring in my own money. Help me make plans for the future. Help me learn to be happy with the life God has given me, if He chooses to leave me in it. Help me learn to cope if the pain is always more than I know how to bare.

I don’t want to live my whole life holding out for “maybes” and never do anything else. Help me to make a good life even if there is no miracle.

I love you all so very dearly. More than I ever know how to say. You’re the reason my life is already wonderful. You all really are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

 

~Mandy~