Guilt is a tricky thing, and one that is often unspoken of or dealt with. From as early as I can remember being aware of such things, I’ve seen it all around me, particularly in the teenagers of the Church. In fact, I’ve had so many friends, friends of friends, and acquaintances that have struggled with the crushing confines of guilt that I would dare to call it an epidemic. Out of all the young people I have ever known that are Christians (the majority of them born and raised in the church), either personally or through other family members, friends and acquaintances, I can name 2-3 young people laboring under the burden of guilt for every 1 I can name that feels confident and reassured by their relationship with God.
I am not speaking about being-guilty (a topic that is discussed often). I’m talking about Christian kids who are so crushed beneath the knowledge of their past sins and current sinful nature that they're utterly, devastatingly, miserably lost. 2 out of those 3 (in the 3-to-1 ratio before-mentioned) often suffers from crushing self-hate or self-loathing. They're so horrified by the knowledge of their sinful nature that they're incapable of seeing past it, to the point where they believe it sinful to think anything at all good about themselves (even to the point of thinking it wrong to feel secured in their relationship with God).
I can't tell you how many nights I have spent sitting up with dozens of anguished Christian teenagers as they're crushed beneath sins from years past - or actions so small and insignificant that it's unimaginable that it's causing them such agony. Some of the most incredible Christian kids that I have been acquainted with, who show more passion for Christ than most adults I’ve known, are the ones who are most guilt-wracked and uncertain of their salvation or its effects on them as a person.
These aren't the cries of the unsaved begging redemption. These are good kids, raised in Christian homes and churches, who I can see the work of the Holy Ghost in, yet are trapped in a state of anguish day after day. I can name at least 50 kids (or more) that I have known personally who struggle with these things, stuck in the guilt of some small indiscretion that should have been forgotten ages ago. Sometimes I’ve sat up with them and gone over the same sin from years past again and again and again, for years on end, because they’re incapable of letting it go and beginning a forward journey away from it. They’re incapable of accepting forgiveness for these actions as absolute and final, no matter how many times they’re told that the action is forgiven.
So where is this guilt coming from? Why are Christian teenagers seemingly plagued with a destructive perfectionist streak that they know they can't ever achieve? And why is it that older Christians seem oblivious to the epidemic and struggle of these Christian youth which I have seen more often than I’ve ever met Christian teens confident in their redemption? These are kids with a passion for Christ that leaves them crying at 2:00 a.m. because they want so bad to please Him, yet feel helpless to ever achieve it, and thus are thrown into a pit of despair. And I don’t use these words lightly - I say despair with every connotation and resulting mental anguish. These kids aren’t panged with the occasional spike of conscience - they’re consumed with a sense of guilt and disgust towards themselves that they’re incapable of casting it aside.
Why? Because they’ve grown up in churches and Christian households that demand perfection and promote guilt; while, at the same time, continuously feeding their saved and redeemed youth the idea that they are still sinners, forever tarnished. Again and again, I have witnessed the ideal seeded and watered and grown in these young Christians that the grace given to them is little more than a garment that loosely covers their sins, as if their sins have just be swept under a carpet, but they're still filthy sinners underneath. They’re never taught to shed their sins or let them go, because those in charge of their training seem terrified that if they aren't guilt-tripped into behaving, they’ll run rampant. In fact, on more occasions than I can count, I have told these kids it is okay to give those sins to God and release them, and their response has been something to the effect of: “But what if I stop feeling guilty and walking on eggshells and that makes me sin more?” They’ve been told for so long that guilt is the only way to salvation/to keeping their hands from sinful acts that they use it as a safety blanket that they don't know how to survive a Christian life without. “As long as I feel guilty, I won't do anything bad. As long as I am extra careful and hate myself for every sin/punish myself for it/beat myself with every mistake, then I’ll behave like I am supposed to.”
It's an extremely destructive mindset. These kids are so busy hating themselves and feeling guilty over every supposed misstep (some of which are so mundane and tiny that it's painful to witness) that they have no strength or will left to even pursue God. In fact, they've spent so long holding sin at bay with guilt that they are incapable of stopping it any other way, and have no idea how else to go about it. Instead of loving God and pursuing Him and striving to be clean out of a love and respect for Him, they do it out of fear and guilt and horror.
These are often the kids that are praised in churches as being “so well behaved” and “such good examples”, yet often they’re slowly crumbling inside with the fear of making even a single misstep and disappointing those around them/getting in trouble/messing up. And then when they're at home, they are yelled at/torn down/scolded for every tiny mistake, backing up their belief that they're horrible, awful sinners that have to spend the rest of their lives living in guilt and walking on eggshells to have any hope of being even close to the perfect people their parents, the church, and even friends and acquaintances expect of them.
These kids have never been taught that once saved, they're transformed from a sinner into a Child of God. The concept is explained on the surface, but most of the time, they have absolutely no idea how that works/what that means for them. They’ve been taught the surface notions for as long as they can remember, but without the meat, without the strength of the deeper facts of what that means for them and how it changes them, they're left clueless and baffled.
“How can I not be ashamed if I am a sinner?”
“How can I be loveable if I’m disgusting?”
“How can I be okay with not feeling dirty if I make mistakes every day?”
“I know God saved me, but I’m still so dirty.”
They’ve been given the knowledge that they have a sin nature and then left without the weapons to know how to face it. The scriptures that would help them cope and overcome the faults in their characters and mistakes they make are skimmed over or untaught altogether. And then they're told, over and over, the list of things they have to do and not do - a list they’re incapable of always keeping - and how horrible each and every one of those sins are, and how disappointed/angry/sad everyone will be if they fail. Guilt inducing sermons are preached on every topic from lust to lying to right/wrong behavior towards others to all the good virtues they need to have, and then are told to repent. Yet they're never taught how to repent and, after they do, how to let go of those sins and move forward in their lives, rather than living with the guilt of it for the rest of time. They're told over and over how we all deserve death and how stained we all are and how every misstep, every mistake, every sin makes them worthy of Hellfire. And without the tools to know God’s love and not just his condemnation, and how to release the guilt and horror after repentance, and how to move forward and overcome that sin without using guilt as their tool, they’re helpless in the face of it.
Even as a young teenager attending Bible camps and church functions, I found myself thinking in every “repent and leave your sin behind” sermon, “How? How? Tell me how. Tell me what to do.” But aside from a vague “Pray and ask forgiveness”, there were never any such answers. And I never knew when I had “prayed enough”, been “repenting” (aka living in guilt) for long enough.
It was like I was trying to offer guilt as my payment for sin. Like if I did something bad, I needed to cry enough over it, feel bad enough for it, hate myself long enough for it to be repaid. “Repent”, they said, like that was the answer. Like it was the thing I needed to do to make it right. I was thirsting for answers on what to do after I sinned and “how to make it right”, and their answer was “be sorry and repent”. So I tried to pay my way with apologies and guilt, to somehow prove I was sorry enough for it to be forgiven. Even though I knew that salvation was something given, that forgiveness was something bestrowed by God, I felt like I had to beg for it. Like it was something I earned by being sorry and feeling bad enough. Like God only would give that forgiveness once I had cried for enough time.
And because of that, despite already being saved, I felt uneasy all the time. Worried and afraid all the time. Dirty and ashamed a lot, for several years, because I never knew if I had felt bad enough, if I had repented right, if I had really made things right with God.
It's a destructive way to think, even though, on the surface, there's nothing really unbiblical about it. The sermons weren't necessarily biblically wrong, the concepts weren't untrue; it's just that I wasn't given the tools to know how to handle/apply the knowledge to my own life. I didn't know how, as a saved individual, as a Child of God, I was different than a sinner. I didn't know that, as a redeemed person, my mistakes no longer defined me. I didn't know that repenting only took a single word, a single cry to God in my heart, and that was enough. And I definitely didn't know that there was a way to strive to be godly that didn't include wrapping a noose of guilt around my neck to hold me in check.
Luckily for me, I had a great church who nurtured and loved me even when I messed up. I had patient, wonderful parents who helped me understand better and who didn't condemn me/yell at me/rub my mistakes in my face. They taught me true forgiveness through their actions - the kind that is loving and gentle and calm in face of my biggest mess-ups. The kind that didn't tell me over and over that this sin branded me; that instead, as a Child of God, saved and redeemed fully and completely, it was already wiped off the moment I accepted Jesus’ gift years ago, even though I hadn't yet committed the sin. The kind of forgiveness that included them patiently forgiving me and hugging me when I probably deserved to be punished instead. The kind that said “you’re forgiven” the instant I whispered “sorry”. The kind that, even if there were still consequences for the sin, those consequences were handed out lovingly/gently/graciously instead of with fury and anger and words that ground the sin into my mind as an unforgivable act that I would have to “work” to erase.
My parents never tried to use guilt to get me to not sin. They didn't try to make me so afraid of the consequences that I would be too afraid to mess up. It wasn't fear they taught me as the weapon against sin, or guilt as the reins I held to keep my life on a straight road. And I am lucky. So lucky, because they taught me respect instead of fear. They taught me love instead of guilt. They taught me not as a condemned sinner, but rather as a Child of God, and they taught me with gentle firmness and calmness, treating me as a saved and redeemed person, a loved and cherished child, not as a disgusting sinner. Instead of screams of displeasure and disappointment, I received gentle guidance when my feet began to stray. My rebukes were loving, even when firm, and something I did was never kept hanging between us for hours or days or months or years, but resolved, corrected, and forgiven right away. I was taught forgiveness wasn't something I needed to beg for, but something freely given the moment I saw my error.
I was, but most of these kids were not. They have no example of free grace and forgiveness, no reason to believe themselves loveable or cherishable, when they're condemned, railed at, and criticized endlessly for every fault and mistake. And these encounters are rarely (if ever) resolved or forgiven by their parents but rather swept under the rug and left in an endless pile of things for their children to hate themselves over or be guilty about, with no way of gaining closure or forgiveness.
Are their parents wrong to be upset over their sin? No. Sin is wrong and needs corrected. But without the reassurance and example of a parent's forgiveness and grace, and without resolution often times, it's too often that these incidents cascade from a normal childhood/teenage mistake into something severely scarring and damaging for kids who really are trying their best to please and live correctly.
And since their parents are, biblically, not incorrect in being displeased (though I would argue incorrect in their execution/method of the correction), these kids are often helpless in the face of it. The Bible backs up their parents’ stance on their behavior/action/etc. being wrong, so without any resolution, they simply take the anger and, since they see it as deserved, turn it into another instance of their inadequacy and another reason to become lost in guilt and grief.
I’ve had people ask me on this topic before, “Well why don't these kids just go seek out their parents and resolve it?” But the sad truth is, rarely when these kids try does it end well. Either it ends in another lecture/they get yelled at again by their parents because they're too angry or disappointed to sort it out rationally, or they're met with a reluctant brush-off that doesn't clear the air at all.
So the problem lies in that the parents are, technically, biblically correct. They’ve got the Bible behind them saying this behavior is wrong and the Bible telling them they need to correct and punish the actions. It's their God-given duty to raise up their kids to know right from wrong and act accordingly.
But I think in their haste to fulfill that duty, they forget that God had every right to leave us to eternal damnation in Hell, as well. That it was His right to punish us and rain fire upon us and raged at us at every sin. That we deserved all that comes as a result from sin… and yet, He forgave us. He steers us gently to the right path. He teaches us with love and saved us with Grace and redeemed us despite what we deserved. He’s patient with us. He’s forgiving with us. He’s full of mercy and bestows it on us with love.
And it makes me wonder...how are kids expected to understand that when they're never shown? How are they ever meant to walk in forgiveness and grace when they have no idea what that walk looks like in practice? If parents don't bestow that same grace, forgiveness and gentle correction and guidance on their children without condemning them, then how are those kids supposed to understand what those terms even mean?
If their Christian parents don't ever erase those sins from hanging between them, how can they understood that God does?
If Christian parents are more concerned about guilt-tripping and fear-enforcing their kids into correct behavior than teaching them what grace is, then how can they ever feel the freedom and cleansing of Christ?
If their parents only ever view and treat them as disappointing, disgusting sinners, condemning them for every mistake, then how are they supposed to ever understand what it means to be a Child of God and how that makes them different from the unsaved?
If Christian parents expect to be begged for forgiveness, to only grant it reluctantly after their child has cried and wept and pleaded, if even then… then how can their kids understand that God’s grace is free, that it's all about Him and His sacrifice, and not some guilt-and-tear-offering by us that buys it?
Because these kids can be told it, and taught it, and hear it a thousand times, but if they have never felt it from the Christians around them, but only ever felt the harsh weight of perfectionistic expectations and condemnation, how are they supposed to understand it?
They’ll continue to see themselves as some pesky sinful annoyance God reluctantly agreed to save because He is kind, and not as a Child of God, whom He loves and cherishes and wanted for His own. Not as precious or called or wanted, but rather as “tolerated”.
I’m not saying parents should stop punishing sin or treat it all like it's nothing. I’m not saying you take away the gravity or the consequences of those actions. But maybe if parents corrected, guided and taught their children the right path to take like my parents did, rather than railing at them and branding them with the event for ages to come until they “earn” forgiveness, I wouldn't spend so many days replying to anguished, hopeless, terrified, lost Christian teenagers who have no idea what to do or where to turn, and who are drowning in their own guilt. I wouldn’t helplessly try to explain the concept of free, all-encompassing grace to dozens of teenagers who don’t understand it, only to have their parents or pastors or counselors erase anything I might have gotten across to them with a single fury-coated, anger-driven lecture that drives home their guilt all over again.
Was the Bible written to beat our kids over the heads with relentlessly? Was it created to be a sword that cuts away their confidence in their salvation and standing with God?
I’ve had more teenagers contact me begging for advice on how to please their parents, Christian acquaintances and friends than I know how to count. I’ve spent more nights awake until 2:00 a.m. with a young person as they beg for advice on what to do to be better so people will stop being angry with them. I’ve listened to countless cries of hopelessness and anguish from people who are already saved but have no idea how to shed the guilt of their life before - and the mistakes they make after - their salvation. “I’m so dirty and I don’t know what to do” is as common in my emails as “hello”. I’m in a unique position with these young people to hear the cries of their hearts, as I’m old enough for them to turn to me for help, but young enough that they’re comfortable reaching out to me. But it’s not enough for me to try to explain the concepts of grace, unconditional love and forgiveness when the things I tell them are constantly combated by the people in authority in their lives.
So I write this to ask us all to rethink how we treat those younger than us - whether younger in their faith or younger in years - and if how we are treating them reflects how God would treat them. Are you witnessing to them with your actions? Are you showing them grace, love and forgiveness in action? Are you a good example of godly love and forgiveness?
Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Matthew 6:14-15 - For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Luke 6:37 - Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
Colossians 3:13 - Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye.
As parents, do you apply how Christ tells us to behave towards one another to your children? Do you as pastors, and counselors, and people in the church? And if, like in Matthew 6:14-15, God were to forgive you based on how often/the manner in which you forgive those under your care, whether your children or young people in your church, how would that look? Are you kind to your children? Are you forgiving to your children? Are you tenderhearted towards them? Do you treat them as Children of your Heavenly Father, as precious and loved in His sight?
If you are a parent, God has given you a ministry to your children, to raise them to be His. Are you being good examples of grace, forgiveness, and love, as well as correction? The most you will ever teach your children are the things you never tell them, but rather show them through your own actions and day to day lives. Are you a good godly example? Or are you quick to dish out fury and condemnation for their actions, rather than guidance and gentle correction and forgiveness? Are you teaching them guilt and fear to guide them, or respect and love to keep their steps sure on their spiritual journey?
I would urge the church to examine its behavior in these regards. The minds and hearts of those in our care - the young Christians among us - are precious, but often lost and confused.
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